Kagura's Not So Super Sweet Sixteen
by Aliaslisa
Summary: It's Kagura's eighteent birthday. She's naturally demanding a sweet sixteen party like the girls on MTV. Okikagu obviously
1. Chapter 1

I had originally intended to write this for Kagura's birthday on November 3rd. But I have a lot of schoolwork in November due to exams, I decided to post it as soon as I finished. The story became a lot longer than I had planned, and I'm not really sure if I'm totally finished with it either, thoughts?

Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama

* * *

Kagura's Not So Super Sweet Sixteen

* * *

It was her eighteenth birthday, and like all obnoxi… err self-possessed girl that age, Kagura demanded a sweet-sixteen like the ones she'd seen on television. Gintoki and Shinpachi had opposed to it at first, saying stuff like "you turned sixteen two years ago" and "don't wake me up unless you've got strawberry milk". After using her umbrella to persuade them, they all agreed they would throw the party on the following day; November 3rd.

The location of the party was none other than Otose's Snack Shop; Gin was too cheap to rent a proper venue and had to pay a month's rent in advance to make her close the bar for the night. She would provide the birthday girl with whatever, while Gin and Shinpachi would provide for the other guests. Due to low-budget and small timeframe, the only ones invited - besides the women in the shop - was Hasegawa and Otae.

* * *

Kagura entered her party wearing new red yukata with bunnies that she'd gotten from the Shimuras, her hair fixed in a bun with silver hairpins. She was - to no ones surprise - unhappy with the small reception and gave a loud piece of her mind, sounding just like one of the brats from the TV-show.

"This is my special day! You've ruined my sweet sixteen yes?"

"But Kagura-Chan, it's your eighteen..." Shinpachi wasn't able to finish his sentence before Kagura took his glasses and broke them in the palm of her hand.

"Shin-Chan noooooo!" Otae exclaimed "you broke him."

"Aneue! I'm more than just a pair glasses!" Shinpachi cried to his sister. "And Kagura-chan, you're an adult now, you can't solve everything with violence."

"The glasses stand is right Kagura-Chan," Otae said while wiping away her tears with her hand. "Now that you're a woman, you have to act more ladylike, like me."

"Oi, you're the most violent here," Gin said in a bored tone while picking his nose.

The entire venue froze when Otae grabbed Gin's face and tossed him trough the wall and out on the street. She rolled up her sleeves and was about to step out and finish the job when a Shinsengumi squad car appeared by the shop.

"Oi Danna, are you letting women beat you up?"

Gin rubbed the sore spot on his head, "Shut up soichiro-kun"

"It's Sougo"

"Whatever Sofa-kun," Gin stood up and brushed dust of his clothing. "What does you tax-robbers want?"

"We're looking for the chief," Hijikata sain in passenger seat said, casually lighting a cigarette, "have you seen Kondo-san?"

"No, why would the Gorilla be here?"

Hijikata pointed at Otae"Because she's here"

"We'll he's not here right now, move along so you don't pollute our air."

"What's going on here anyway?" Sougo deadpanned, ignoring Gin's request.

"Our Kagura just turned eighteen, so we're throwing her a sweet sixteen party."

"That sounds really pointless and un-original."

"Oi, why don't you come out of your car and say that to my face sadist!" Kagura stepped out from the shop.

"It's illegal to threaten the police you know" he started up the engine "I'll let you up with a warning since it's your sweet whatever." He waved his arm and drove off.

"Oi, where do you think you're going" Kagura shouted.

She grabbed a hold of her umbrella and aimed for the car. It hit one of the tires and punctured it. Sougo lost control of the vehicle and rammed the car's passenger side in a vending machine.

"Oi, that brat nearly killed me." Hijikata shouted.

"Tch, missed again." Sougo said under his breath.

"What was that?"

"I said I would get China for this," he deflected.

* * *

The two officers stepped out of their squad car.

"That was really dangerous you brat, we'll have to take you down to the station for this." Hijikata said while inhaling some nicotine.

"Hahahahaha, how're you planning to that without a police car?" Kagura said menacingly.

"We'll have to call for backup, lend us your phone danna."

"As if. Just skedaddle out of here while you're still alive, idiots."

Hijikata stepped right in front of the challenger. "You think you can take us down you shithead natural-perm."

"Kick his ass Danna."

"Oi, whose side are you on asshole!" Hijikata grabbed Sougo's jacket.

The glas... Err, Shinpachi stepped in the middle of the three men. "Why don't we all calm down and go inside and discuss this rationally?"

"No way, I don't want a sadist and a mayora ruining my birthday, it's bad enough that madao is here!"

"Hey, that was totally uncalled for, I'm standing right here you know" Hasegawa exclaimed.

Kagura gave her rival a chilled gaze.

"That would be reason enough for me to stay," he said and stepped inside.

"Oi, what do you think you're doing sadist. I said you wasn't welcome here."

"Like I care what a brat like you think," Sougo said and sat down in front of Otose in the bar. "A bottle of saké and two cups please."

Hijikata sat down beside him and was about to pour himself a drink when the birthday girl intervened and grabbed his cup.

"Ok sadist, let's settle this the old-fashioned way, a drinking contest. If I win, you and mayora leave."

Sougo smirked and grabbed the bottle of saké. He poured the liquid in his cup and drank it in one gulp. "And if I win?" he poured her a cup.

Kagura drank the alcohol and grimaced, she'd only tasted it once before and was not a fan. "You name it."

Sougo's, grin was still in place. "Ok China." he drank another cup. "If I win, you'll have to pay for the damage on our car." he poured her another.

"That seems fair"

"And you'll have to be my slave forever." he said sadistically

"Hey don't talk to my daughter like that you sleaze," Gin protested

"But she said I could name anything Danna," Sougo said innocently.

"One day," Kagura said and drank the content in her cup.

"A year" he filled the cups

"Two days"

"A week"

"Fine!" she said and gave him a determined look. "You'll never be able to beat me, my yato blood is strong enough to handle more than your weak human blood."

"We'll see." Sougo ordered another bottle.

* * *

_Three bottles later_

"Ready to give up yet?"

Kagura was resting her head on the Counter. "Shaddep you basterrrd, iz not even close."

"You look like hell China, just give up already."

"Like I'll evrr let you win basterrd. I just need cake, I been drinking on emptty stomach." she lifted her head slowly, "Oi Pacchi, bring out the cake.

Afraid of what Kagura might do to him if he refused, Shinpachi rolled out a cake bigger than him from the back room.

"Now jusst wait and zee." She plunged her face down on the cake and took a huge bite. "Hey, what givs! Thiz cake is hollow. Explain urself Pacchi, Anego."

"Oh my, we must have taken the wrong cake with us. This looks like a stripper cake or something. I'm sorry Kagura-Chan." Otae bowed her head apologetic.

Kagura didn't really mind, the cake was still delicious. Sinpachi said that she had to share with the other guests, but Kagura didn't stop. After digging in some more, she noticed that there was something inside the cake.

"Oi Anego, you didn't order me a stripper yes?"

"No, why do you ask?"

"Cuz therez a naked weirdo zhleeping in my cake." Kagura said lazily, wiping her face clean with her sleeves.

"Huh, naked weirdo?" Otae and the others came in closer to take a peek. Their faces turned white when they recognized the man inside.

"Kondo-san!" Hijikata exclaimed "What have you done to him? You'll have to commit seppuku for this." he drew his sword and directed it at Gin.

"Oi,leave Danna alone Hijikata-san," Sougo sheathed his sword and pointed it at Kagura's neck. "it's the brats fault!"

The disgusting sight had almost sobered Kagura. "Why would I want this creep in my cake, do you think I like gorilla flavor or something?"

"It's your fault since you're the one that wanted a birthday cake!"

"Brighng it on sadist!"

"Oi, aren't you guys already settling this with a drinking contest?" Shinpachi yelled loudly.

"Shaddep you filthy Megane!" Kagura said and shot bullets at Shinpachi's feet.

"Hey, I'm your opponent here!" Sougo said and pressed the tip of his sword against her neck.

Kagura grinned "What's the matter, jeluzz?"

"You wish"

"Not really" Kagura said and aimed her umbrella at her rival, "bring it on asshole."

He smiled sadistically, "let's settle it this way then."

* * *

A full-blown fight was about to break loose between the fierce rivals when rumbling could be heard from the stripper-cake. Kondo was waking up.

He rubbed his eyes "Huh, where am I, what happened?"

"You're ruining Kagura-chan's birthday," Otae said with her fake smile.

Kondo -not realising the situation he was in, got all giddy when he saw the face of the woman he loved. "Otae-saaaan, will you marry me?"

She kept her fake smile and grabbed a hold of his face. "Why would I want to marry a perverted stalker like you?" She dragged him out of the cake and threw him into Sougo.

"Oi, watch what you're doing gorilla-lady, that could have been really dangerous." he said casually. "Kondo-san, get your hairy body away from me." the Shinsengumi captain kicked the naked man off him.

Kagura laughed triumphantly "Ahahahahaha, serves you right!" she kicked him in the stomach "bow down to me, the one and only victor."

"You're not the one that knocked me down." He grabbed a hold of Kagura's foot and pulled her down, placing her in a really awkward position on top of him.

"Oi, watch what you're doing you pervert, are you trying to take my daughters innocence away?" Gin yelled.

Sougo let go of her, "why would I want such an un-cute woman danna? I deserve a higher quality woman."

Kagura got really annoyed and punched him hard in the stomach, making him wince a little from the pain. "I've had enough for today, thanks for ruining my sweet sixteen everyone." She stood up and walked out of the shop, leaving the party guests alone.

"Well this turned out to be a disaster" Otose said while wiping a glass with a white cloth. "You should go and apologize to her."

The Yorozuya men and Otae was about to walk after Kagura when Otose stopped them. "I didn't mean you, I meant him," she said and pointed the cloth at Sougo.

"I'm not the one who ruined the party, it was Hijikata's fault." he said lazily.

"Oi, leave me out of this you fuc..."

Otose interrupted him, "You didn't ruin her party, but you did ruin her mood. Go after her and apologize now before it's too late." She laid the cloth down and lit a cigarette.

Sougo rose from the floor and went after Kagura.

"What was that about?" Shinpachi demanded.

"You're all so blind... now clean this Place up before Kagura-chan returns. She deserves a proper birthday party." She said and blew smoke from her mouth.

* * *

Sougo went upstairs to look for Kagura. She was sitting in her closet, petting Sadaharu that laid in front of it. She wiped her face when she saw her rival appear.

"What are you doing here?" she tried to give him a hostile tone, but it came out pretty meek.

"That old hag wanted me to apologize to you, not that I know why. I'm not the one that ruined your party." He said and threw himself on the sofa.

"Are you really that dense?"

"I'm not sure what you're talking about," he said and yawned in his hand.

"Then leave me alone," Kagura said and closed the sliding doors to the closet.

He shook his head and sighed loudly. "I'll be heading downstairs again then." He grabbed a small gift-wrapped box from within his jacket and placed it on the living room table. "I'll leave the present I got for you here, feel free to open it or throw it away, I don't really care either way," he said nonchalantly and stood up from the sofa.

* * *

Kagura sat in silence and listened to him walk out of the room. She made sure he left the apartment before she jumped out of the closet to inspect the gift. It was a small box wrapped in sky-blue paper with a red ribbon.

She half-expected the present to be a bomb and opened it carefully. Inside was a silver hairpin with a flower cut sapphire. She stared at it in disbelief, it was really beautiful and matched her eyes. What was the meaning of this thoughtful gift?

Kagura noticed a letter underneath the pin, she took it out and opened it.

Yo China,

You're legal now right?

Become my M.

\- Okita Sougo

She blushed and crumbled the paper violently in her hands. "That shithead sadist, what a disgusting thing to write someone."


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for favoring and following this story!

You might be my favorite 'critic' **ExtraCheeseCake**! You're really spoiling me with your kind reviews! I'm dedicating this chapter to you and everyone that makes this a fun experience!

So here it is, part two!

* * *

**Kagura's Super Sweet Sixteen – Part Two**

* * *

Kagura took the gift she'd received from her rival and walked over to the hallway mirror. She removed one of the silver-pins keeping her hairdo together and replaced it with the new one. It matched her eyes perfectly.

'_Damn it.'_

She really liked it, but she didn't want it to seem like she'd accepted his offer to become one of his Ms. She turned the pin over, the flower-side pressed against her head, hidden by the hair bun. She had no intention of giving him satisfaction.

Kagura huffed and left the apartment to rejoin the party, '_her party.'_

As she walked down the stairs, another Shinsengumi squad car pulled up beside Otose's place. Yamazaki stepped out of the vehicle and gave her a cheerful wave.

"Happy birthday Kagura-chan!"

"Thanks Jimmy!" she answered with a forced smile.

"It's Yamazaki! How come you never remember my name? I know I'm the boring straight man of the Shinsengumi, but come on! We've known each other for four years!"

Kagura shrugged. "Why are you here anyway?"

He sighed. "I got a call from Tama-san" (he almost chirped when he said her name) "She told me to pick up Kondo-san and the others." He took a bag out of the car, "do you know why she wanted me to bring an extra set of clothes?"

Kagura grimaced "just come with me," she led the way inside the shop.

* * *

Yamazaki didn't know what to believe when he found his chief covered in pink cake and blue bruises... completely nude!

Kondo cried when he saw the bag of clothes and hugged Yamazaki. The latter got really uncomfortable and tried to avoid the formers manhood pressed against his body. The naked man took the bag and went to the bathroom to clean up and get dressed.

Kagura sat down beside Sougo in the bar. He looked at Kagura's hair and smirked. "_Did_ _you like your present China?' _He whispered. She glared at him.

Yamazaki walked over to his Yorozuya counterpart to get some answers. Shinpachi filled him in on all the details he knew.

One issue was still unresolved, how did Kondo wound up naked in a cake?

The party-goers sat down and contemplated on the matter. A light bulb appeared above Otae's head; she made a fist and hit her hand. "I know what happened!" everyone silenced and listened to her. "Kondo must have wanted to pledge a fraternity, isn't it normal for pledging frat boys to get undressed and streak the community?"

The Yorozuya nodded approvingly, thinking this was a fair explanation.

Hijikata was on the other hand unimpressed. He crossed his arms and spoke. "Why would the captain of the Shinsengumi pledge a fraternity? He's already the damn chief of an entire police force."

"Having power isn't everything Hijikata-san," Otae said. "Sometimes men like to shirk their responsibilities and have fun you know."

"Shirking your responsibilities when you're a public official shows a lack of bushido, Kondo-san knows he would have to commit seppuku if he defied the Shinsengumi rules."

"You let Sofa-kun shirk his responsibilities everyday without consequence," Gintoki added while picking his nose.

"It's not Sofa, it's Sougo. And I don't shirk my responsibilities. I'm the one with most arrests," Sougo added.

"And the most lawsuits," Yamazaki said, earning a punch in the face.

"Then how about this!" Hasegawa made a knuckle and hit the palm of his hand knowingly. "Kondo-san has a good hearth am I right? He must have met with a homeless man and given him all his clothes." He rubbed the beard on his chin, "you should all follow his example and give me some mone…"

Kagura stopped his rambling by kicking him in the throat. "That's definitely not it!"

Sougo followed her example and punched him in the stomach. They looked at each other and nodded, ready to go at him like the time at the festival. Hijikata and Gintoki grabbed them by their collars and pulled them back before they offed madao for good.

* * *

"I know what happened." a bearded man who looked like Santa Claus entered establishment. "I've been on standb…" Gintoki slapped him in the back of the head.

He whispered to the bearded man. "_What are you doing here Zura, it's dangerous to be in the same room as the men trying to arrest you!"_

_"__GINTOKI! It's not Zura, it's Zuraclaus!"_

_"__It's not December you idiot! Why the hell would Santa Claus be walking around on this time of the year?"_

"HAHAHAHA!" Katsura laughed, "it's because I'm checking whose being naughty and nice!"

"And you know what happened to Kondo-san?" Yamazaki asked.

"Of course I do, gather 'round now kids. Let me all sing you a katsurap." He cleared his throat and pulled out a boom box, "Yo, joi is joy, yo joi is joy." It was Kagura's turn to hit him in the head.

"LEADER!" He rubbed his sore spot, "don't you want Christmas presents this year?"

"Not if I have to listen to your rap!" she crossed her arms and jumped back up on the stool, letting her feet dangle.

"Then I'll tell the real story." Zuraclaus crossed his arms and closed his eyes. "It was the eve before Christmas. Young Joey was looking out of his window, tracing snowflakes with his eyes" he paused to make a greater impact "remembering the last winter he had shared with his father."

"Oi, this is just one of those long soap opera stories you usually tell, you don't know anything!"

"Of course I do Gintoki! Okay I'll skip to the end… And then Kondo-san gave his clothes to young Joey, he died momentarily of hypothermia; leaving the boy fatherless once more."

Gintoki hit him hard in the head, knocking him down on the floor "You skipped too damn far idiot, he's clearly still alive!"

"You're coming with me down to the station Katsura." Hijikata placed handcuffs on the joui leader's arms. "Yamazaki, you come with me in case he wakes up and tries to escape. Sougo, you stay put and wait for Kondo. We'll come and get you when we've incarcerated this criminal."

"Hai, Hijikata-san, go-die-Hijikata-san."

Hijikata gave him a glare before the two shinsengumi officers left the venue and drove off to their headquarters with the convict.

* * *

The guest all looked at each other.

"Maybe we shouldn't be focusing on why Kondo's naked, maybe we should focus on why he was inside the cake?"

"Maybe we should just ask Kondo-san what happened when he returns," Shinpachi deflected.

"But he's taking so long, what is he doing in there?" Otae asked.

"Maybe he got sucked down the toiled and entered the Poop Kingdom, and now he's their new leader," Kagura was swirling around on the bar stool as she said it, tilting her head slightly to the left.

"I'm not doing anymore of this filler crap," Gintoki said and walked to the bathroom.

Sougo followed right after, "I'm coming with _danna_."

Kagura traced them with her eyes, jumped off and walked after.

"Hey Kagura-chan, you can't go into the men's bathroom!" Shinpachi yelled after her.

"It's my birthday, I'll do what I want!"

* * *

Any wishes for the next chapter? Send em my way, I live to serve u guyzzz


	3. Chapter 3

I realize that the plot at hand might not work when the current Gintama arc ends, seeing as the story might have a lot of character changes. For the sake of making this story light and fun, I won't be using any events past the afro arc.

Aaaand, you've all seen Charlie and The Chocolate Facotry and Harry Potter: the Chamber of Secrets right?

**ExtraCheeseCake** happy to hear from you again (as always). I'll keep on spoiling you if you keep on reading, reviewing and complimenting me! :D If your friend likes Gintama, she/he would surely like it if you tie her/him up like one of Sougo's Ms and force read her/him my fics right? What's that? You value your friendship? Oh ok, no problem as long as you stick around!

**TwistyEmerald** I know what you mean, it's so serious all of a sudden! (I'm loving it though, and I'm crossing my fingers in hopes that a certain sadist comes and rescues a certain redhead.) I took your words to mind, and figured that I'd have a little more fun on Kondo's expense, that's what he's for anyway. I threw a subtle Okikagu hint in the mix here, I'm taking my time with developing the relationship. Too much time? Meh, I'll figure out something.

Without further ado, here's part three!

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gintama

* * *

**Kagura's Not So Super Sweet Sixteen – part 3**

* * *

Kagura entered the bathroom right after Gintoki and Sougo. Kondo was passed out (again...) on the floor, still naked.

"Woah!" Kagura exclaimed. Gintoki placed his hands over her eyes.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"I didn't want you to feel lonely with these weirdos Gin-chan."

"That's still no reason for you to walk into a men's bathroom!"

"Is too! It's not like I haven't seen the male anatomy before," she forcefully removed Gintoki's hands. "You pass out naked and drunk a lot Gin-chan, especially on the toilet." She noticed a small shift in Sougo's expression. It lasted only a second before it changed back to its original deadpan state.

Gintoki smacked Kagura in the back of her head. "You should knock before you enter my bathroom!"

"I _do _knock, it's not my fault that you're too hangover to wake up and get dressed yes? I have the right to pee in the morning - just like everyone else!"

"Could we focus on Kondo" Sougo interrupted them and knelt down beside the Shinsengumi chief to check his pulse. "He's still alive."

"Why's he passed out again?" Kagura wondered.

"More like; why is he still naked?" Gintoki added with a lazy expression.

Sougo looked in the bag that Yamazaki had brought with him, "it's empty" he noted.

Kagura came over and kicked Kondo violently in the stomach. "Wake up gorilla! You're ruining my birthday and my innocence!"

"Oi!" Gintoki grabbed the yato in the arms and dragged her away from the victim. "He won't ever wake up if you kill him!"

"And you have no innocence; _danna_ already took it away from you." Sougo grabbed Kondo's hair and dragged him over to the sink. He turned on the water and watched in silence as the hot waterfall burned the commander's skin.

Gintoki tossed Kagura to the side "You're supposed to use cold water when you try to wake someone up, not boil their face!" he ran over and turned the knob to 'cold', saving Kondo yet again. "What's wrong with you kids, don't you have any common sense?"

Sougo shrugged "he's not waking from the cold water either, so we were both wrong." The yorozuya leader hit him in the back of the head.

"You were the most wrong!"

Kagura used her hands to lift her up from the floor. "Maybe someone pressed his 'off button'?"

"What do you mean, _off button_?"

"I mean like the one Tama-san got."

"Kondo isn't a robot!"

"But he's a gorilla, and gorilla's share 98 % same DNA as robots yes?"

"No, you're getting it totally wrong!" Gintoki started to feel exasperated "where would this button even be?"

Kagura took a cylinder out of her yukata sleeves "It's in here yes?"

"Hey! What are you sticking up in the gorillas a*****e!"

"It's an anal probe," she said like it was the most natural thing ever.

"Where did you get an anal probe?" Gintoki demanded.

"All yatos are required to have an emergency anal probe in case we want to be rescued" she looked him in the eyes and added "or take over a planet. The mother's hip needs coordinates yes?"

"I think you mean mother ship, and is it okay to send them your coordinates?"

"It's probably fine, I haven't activated it yet."

Sougo took a bottle of mayonnaise out of his pocket that he'd stolen from Hijikata. He pushed it up with the probe *click*. A large antenna shot out of the gorilla's butt.

Gintoki's face turned white, a few sweat drops on his forehead. "What did you do that for?"

"I wanted to press Kondo's 'on-switch'" the sadist answered nonchalantly.

"There's no such thing!

"Of course there is, all men have an on-switch in their a****e" Kagura nodded knowingly.

"That's another kind of _on-switch_ you idiot!" the silver-haired man started to wave his arms frantically. "Who taught you this stuff! It sure as hell wasn't me!"

Kagura shrugged and slid a finger up her nose. "Maybe I saw it on Animal Planet?"

Gintoki stopped his waving when he realized there was a bigger issue at hand, "what do we do if the yatos decide to take over earth?"

"Then they'll kill Hijikata, I think that's worth the casualties."

Gintoki grabbed Sougo's jacket collar. "I'll make them kill you first."

"We're getting off topic yes? Weren't we discussing how to wake the gorilla?"

"That shouldn't be our priority anymore; we should warn the Shogun and have him prepare an army!"

"Look, there's a note under Kondo's bag," Sougo pointed in its direction. Kagura grabbed it and read it out loud.

_I have poisoned Kondo._

_You need the antidote to rescue your leader. _

_Flush the toilet three times and face me in my lair._

\- _K_

Kagura did as the letter said. The toilet disappeared in to the wall and revealed a hole with a ladder in it. The redhead's eyes started to sparkle "Ahh, I think I just found the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets Gin-chan!"

Gintoki released Sougo from his grip "I don't care about the gorilla anymore. I'm going to call the Shogun and have him prepare for our impending doom." He was about to walk out of the bathroom when Sougo grabbed his arm.

"Relax _danna_; you can do that after we rescue Kondo," the sadist said and pushed the yorozuya leader down the hole. They could hear a loud thud when he hit the ground below. Sougo was about to jump after when he realized he'd forgotten something. "We should cover up Kondo before we leave."

Kagura agreed and pulled out some toilet paper from the stall next to her. She placed it on top of Kondo's face. "Now he'll keep his dignity." She said.

The birthday girl approached Sougo and kicked him down the chute. She watched as her rival fell down and grinned when she heard him hit the ground. She jumped right after; her feet first.

* * *

Kagura had anticipated a harder landing, but was glad when she fell on something soft. She looked beneath her, she was standing on top of an unconscious Sougo. "Oooops," she said and jumped off him. Gintoki was sitting next to her, rubbing his head, blood streaming down his face.

"You damn brats," he looked around. "I didn't know there was a hidden room beneath the old hag's shop."

"I told you, we found the Chamber of Secrets yes?"

"Then you're in charge of killing the basilisk," he said sullenly. "Wake up soichiro-kun so we can get this over with."

Kagura nodded and grabbed the sadist's jacket collar. She slapped him three times in the face. "Wakey-wakey."

Sougo's eyes flickered. "The light, it's too bright… sister, SISTER IS THAT YOU, WAIT FOR ME I'M COMING WITH!"

"Oi, you're losing him. Quickly, give him mouth to mouth."

"No, you do it Gin-chan." Kagura pushed Sougo's face nearer Gintoki.

"No, this isn't a yaoi fanfic, you do it!"

"Kondo-san, you're here too? What's that? Hijikata isn't with you guys? I will join you in paradise, hold on!" Sougo's breath began to weaken.

"Shit we're losing him! Hey wait... the gorilla is already there!? Then we don't have to save him, Kagura-chan, leave the sadist behind. We can just push Kondo down here and say the basilisk did it."

"What if Mayora starts asking questions? He said he was coming back for them yes?"

"Then we'll kick him down here as well. We'll get rid of every Shinsengumi member 'til they leave us alone."

"Good plan Gin-chan!" Kagura dropped the sadist down on the ground. "Should we get out of here?"

"I see no reason to stay." They both rose from the floor.

Sougo finally came too, he grabbed the back of Kagura's yukata. "You're seriously leaving me here to die?"

She turned her head and looked him straight in the eyes, she had a look he couldn't quite distinguish "You're the one that wanted to join your sister and the gorilla in paradise"

"I have unfinished business here…" Kagura broke the stare and looked away. Sougo sighed, "I can't go to paradise before I've sent Hijikata to hell."

Her face soured and she kicked him hard in the head. "If that's your reason for staying, I'll rather send you to hell myself… then I'll send the Mayor-freak after you so you can spend eternity together."

Gintoki placed a hand on her shoulder. "Calm down Kagura-chan." Sougo gave him a grateful look. "Your hands are still clean; let the basilisk do the dirty work for you."

That was it! Sougo pushed himself off the floor in one swift movement. He was about to unsheathe his sword and kill them both when a large shadow appeared behind him. He was about to turn around and face the creature when Kagura stopped him. "You'll die if you look it straight in the eyes"

"How do we even know if it's a basilisk."

"I told you, this is the Chamber of Secrets yes?"

"You're so persistent, how can you even tell we're in the Chamber of Secrets."

"Because I'm pure of hearth and finally got to enter the wizard world, I'm no longer a muggle like the two of you."

"No, you get the chocolate factory if you're pure of hearth! You're not pure of hearth like Charlie; you're a glutton like that German kid!"

Gintoki slammed their heads together. "Oi, keep still. The basilisk will surely attack if you don't calm down."

"Ow, that hurt Gin-chan," Kagura said sullenly.

"You're the one who should calm down_ danna_."

He paid them no mind. "How do we attack something we can't look in the eyes?"

"We should call for a phoenix!" Kagura got another hit in the head "ouw!"

"We're not in the Chamber of Secrets."

"Then there's no basilisk either."

"Ok, so I won't have to close my eyes when I attack it right?" Gintoki stepped forward to face the shadow. He got a glimpse of a large lizard-like tail as the monster moved closer to them "Nope, it's definitely a basilisk, everyone cover your eyes and attack without mercy."

They all closed their eyes and were ready to attack the beast when someone yelled for them to stop. "Don't hurt my Basilian!" They opened their eyes to again to see who it was. A Purple-skinned amanto with an antenna in the forehead approached them.

"Like hell!" Gintoki yelled and struck down both the basilisk and it's owner, knocking them both unconscious. He sighed. "let's just get going… the sooner we get this over with, the sooner I'll get to go to sleep." He started to walk into the tunnel in front of him.

Kagura and Sougo both made sure to step extra hard on Prince Hata's face before they followed the Yorozuya leader

* * *

Hope you all enjoyed it; keep on reading and reviewing. Was this good/bad? I can only evolve with experience, I'm not Pikachu (huhu, get it?)

'til next time!


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama

* * *

**Kagura's Not So Super Sweet Sixteen – Part 4**

* * *

The trio walked for a while in silence. Gintoki in front, Kagura in the middle and Sougo in the rear with his hands in his pockets. The hallway was barely lit with emergency lighting on the floor, giving off the vibe off a deserted underground railroad.

It seemed like the silence would last forever, until the Shinsengumi captain sped up and walked next to the birthday girl.

She shot him a sideway glare.

"What's gotten under your skin today China? Man, you're so cranky! You're on your period or what?" the man asked, tactless as ever.

She snorted. "You and the rest of the tax robbers have ruined my sweet sixteen yes?"

"It was already ruined; you turned eighteen today, remember?" Gintoki chimed in, playing the tsukkomi in Shinpachi's stead.

"Danna is right you know. You're too old to act this way," Sougo reflected.

"Like the two of were any more responsible when you were eighteen," she defended.

The silver-haired samurai slid his left pinky up his nose. "I fought in a war," he added lazily.

"And I was a respectable police officer." He turned away from Kagura, "which reminds me danna, we should probably incarcerate you soon, before your joui ways rub off on China and the glasses."

The samurai flicked a bogger in the police officer's direction. "Give me a break Okita-kun, if you haven't jailed me by now, you won't ever find a reason to do it either," he said and placed his hands behind his head.

"I distinctly remember the two of you plotting to push every Shinsengumi member down here. I would claim those as valid grounds to arrest both of you for obstruction of the law."

"It's your word against ours. Last time I checked, you're the least respectable of the bunch. No one would ever believe a man with more lawsuits than arrests."

"You're wrong danna. I have far more arrests than lawsuits... besided, people would be more inclined to believe a captain of the Shinsengumi over your good for nothing Yorozuya. Don't you guys owe half the town money?"

Gintoki reached his limit and stopped. He turned around and met the amber eyes of the captain. "Oi, you wanna go Okita-kun?" he placed his hand on the wooden sword in his belt.

Sougo unsheathed his katana,"bring it!" he smirked, "it would be interesting to fight you without those stupid magical swords getting in our way."

The light in the tunnel shut off as the samurai were about to settle their score. They could hear a loud thud as something fell to the ground.

"Oi danna, you're not giving up just because there's no light?"

"…"

"What, you're chickening out danna? That's not like you."

"Gin-Chan, you're not going to let the sadist disrespect like this yes?" Kagura chimed in.

"Danna, are you there?"

"Gin-Chan, are you okay?" the yato got exidengly worried as her surrogate father continued to not answer them.

* * *

Kagura ran in the direction she last saw the silver-haired samurai. Another thud was heard, "ouw." She touched her leg, there was something next to it.

"What happened China?" the Shinsengumi officer walked over to her slowly, careful not to trip on anything cloaked by the dark.

She picked up the object she'd tripped on, "hey, I found a flashlight!" She turned it on and beamed it directly in Sougo's eyes.

The man shielded himself behind his arms, "careful where you point that thing, you want me to go blind or what?"

"I'm not sure, give me a reason as to why I wouldn't want you to go blind."

"Well," he pointed at her feet. "Someone needs to check that wound for you, I'm pretty sure you can't bend your neck and examine the back of your shin properly.

She huffed, _'he's got a point_'. Kagura lowered the flashlight so Sougo could get a clear vision. He knelt down beside her and looked at the wound.

"The cut seems pretty deep." He shook his head in disbelief, "how did you even manage to get a wound like this… didn't you just trip on the flashlight?"

"I don't know." She shrugged and beamed the light on the ground, "seems like there's a lot of sharp and pointy rocks on the floor."

"At any rate," Sougo loosened his cravat, "we should stop the bleeding." He removed the cloth from his neck and wiped the blood that had already poured out on her shin.

Kagura made a hissed as he touched the wound. "Careful!" she barked.

"I'm being as gentle as I possibly can."

"I'm sure," she said sarcastically.

Her snarky reply prompted the officer to put more pressure on the cut. She hissed again, "I'm being nice her China," he let out an exasperated sight "show some gratitude would you."

"Okay I'm sorry," she said trough her teeth, trying to remain calm. "Just… be careful will you... it really hurts..."

"I have to put _some_ pressure on it, or else I won't stop the bleeding." He met her worried azure stare, "I know you're a Yato, but I'm pretty sure your kind needs blood to survive." He tied the cravat around her leg. He observed it for a moment before he spoke again: "seems like it's effective enough for now, but we should get out of here and stitch you up as soon as possible."

The patient shook her head, "no it's fine. It'll be closed up by the time we reach the hospital. We should focus on finding Gin-chan and the antidote."

Sougo raised an eyebrow, "are you sure you're fine? You don't have to pretend you're strong China."

"No really, I'm fine," she lied.

"If you say so," Sougo said unbelievingly and rolled his eyes. "Can you stand?"

"I'm not sure... could you help me up?" she grabbed the hand he offered her. She tried to put pressure on her injured foot, but she fell right back down. The Yato huffed, "I've lost too much blood… seems like we have to wait for the wound to heal up a bit first."

Sougo sat down next to her, "seems like." He brushed the dust off his legs. "Where do you think danna went?"

Kagura shrugged, "maybe K took him?" she looked at him. "Who do you think K is?"

"It's probably just Katsura," the captain said lazily as he laid down on the floor. He fished after the sleeping mask in his pocket.

The girl next to him wasn't to convinced, "Zura isn't the type to use poison. Poison is a woman's weapon yes?"

"I strongly disagree," he said and put the mask on his forehead, "I poison Hijikata-san all the time."

"And yet he's still alive. Maybe it takes a woman's touch to finish the job," she laid down on the ground next to him.

He rubbed his chin as he contemplated her logic, "maybe you're right. Maybe it's time for me to settle down with a woman and have her poison Hijikata." He tilted his head sideways and studied her features, "you never answered me though."

"Hmmm, what's that?"

"My letter… you never answered it."

She crossed her arms in annoyance as she remembered the unrefined content's of her birthday card. "What's to answer? I don't want to become one of you M's."

The man next to her gave her a puzzled look, "what do you mean, _one of my M's_?"

Kagura turned her head and fixed her eyes on his amber orbs. "You _do know_ I've met you before right?" she huffed and briskly looked away "several times in fact."

"And?"

She let an annoyed sigh slip through her lips, "_and_ I've seen you with women."

The man couldn't help but grin, "jealous China?"

"Tch, hardly…" she paused to form her reply "I just don't wanna be one of the girls you parade around town in a leash. I'm not that kinda person."

He facepalmed, "oh man you're so unbelievably dense. You really think that's what I meant?"

"It couldn't mean anything else yes?"

"You're girl right? Read between the lines would you?"

"I'm not sure I follow."

"Of course you don't…" he let his hands cover his face in annoyance. "Because you're an idiot," he added under his breath.

Kagura jerked herself up from the ground; she tried to put pressure on her foot again. _'Damn' _but she was still in no condition to walk away.

He grabbed her arm, "and where do you think you're going?"

"I _was_ going to find Gin-chan and have him kick your ass, but I'm not well enough," she said sourly.

Sougo rolled his eyes, "fine, suite yourself."

The yato huffed and laid back down, the brisk movement loosened her hair-bun and made the hairpin she'd received from the man next to her slip down on the floor. It didn't go unnoticed as the gift-giver picked it up himself.

He studied the pin between his fingers, making the sapphire sparkle from light emitted from the flashlight. "Well, looky here." He said with a smirk on his lips. "Seems like _someone _liked the gift they received."

Kagura shot him a sideways glare; hoping he wouldn't notice the blush rapidly blooming in her cheeks. "So! You gave me something I thought was pretty. No reason to get all worked up about it."

"I'm not; you're the one that tried to hide it from me. Now why would you want to do that?" He asked in a fake, coy manner

He had a point. She thought she'd hid it because she didn't want him to think he'd done something good. But was there perhaps another... deeper reason as to why she'd tried to deceive him. She must have known he'd see trough her façade, he always did when she tried to hide something. "I'm not sure what you're talking about."

"You wanna know what I think?"

"No, I _really _don't."

He turned over so he could lie on his side. He rested his head on top of his hand and studied her face thoroughly before he continued. "I think you secretly like me, but you're afraid to admit it."

Kagura huffed and tried to give off a convincing I-don't-care-attitude as she rolled her eyes, "dream on sadist!"

The man leaned over, "I don't have to," and kissed her on the lips.

He smirked as he leaned back to watch her reaction; her face painted red with fury. "Well... wasn't that nostalgic?" he smirked.

* * *

Two men stood crouched behind a rock a few feet away from the two 'lovebirds'.

"Oi, what does Soichiro-kun think he's doing to my daughter?" Gintoki demanded from behind the cartoonish cover.

"Loosen up would you, she's eighteen, she's allowed to do whatever she wants."

"Kissing her rival while her dad's missing in a cave isn't the right time and place for such things," he shot back. "Why are you doing this gorilla?"

Kondo rubbed his chin, "because it's important that Sougo finds happiness."

The silver-haired man was unimpressed "and the real reason you're doing this?"

"I want Otae-san to see the kind side of me: the side that selflessly brings to people in denial about their emotions together."

Gintoki punched the Shinsengumi chief in the gut, "that's not selfless at all! You're just doing this so the gorilla-lady will fall in love with you!" He glared at the nude man next to him, "AND WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE NAKED TO BRING THEM TOGETHER?"


End file.
